my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
Thanksgiving. A stoners favorite holiday
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Randomize
