he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize
