it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
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