After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
