the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Randomize
