have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
Randomize
