I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
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