hdsncx Gizmo asnqw toilet blanasdi
ok, stay where you are, be there soon
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
Randomize
