hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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