It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Randomize
