i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
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