The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
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