I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
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