the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
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