when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
Randomize
