my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
Randomize
