She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
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