Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
Randomize
