she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
Randomize
