I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
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