4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
