He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
Randomize
