He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Randomize
