All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
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