if i can run in heels then i can drive
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
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