i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
Randomize
