I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
Randomize
