I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
My bed smells like the plague
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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