I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
