dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize