you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
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