Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
Randomize
