I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
