You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
Randomize
