how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
Randomize
