Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
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