whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize