He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Randomize
