so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Randomize
