The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
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