i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
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