best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize