i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Randomize