I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
normally i wouldnt have blown him but he was on dawsons creek.. i love dawsons creek.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
Randomize
