Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
Randomize
