i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
