a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
You know, be my cock's hype man.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
