u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
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