Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
Randomize
