Well to be completely honest its more of a 'i wanna do things to you that your parents would not enjoy hearing about' mood
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
Randomize
