I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
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