I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
Randomize
