Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Randomize
