I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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