normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
