I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
