i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
