it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
Randomize
