hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
Randomize
