I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
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