The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
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