I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
