Pappa wants mamma naked
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
